Captain Vape reveals five ways to restore your motivation while riding the “high” seas.
We’ve all been there. One more episode of Game of Thrones. One more game of Mario Kart. One more short YouTube video. One more hit off the bong…wait what was I doing?
Working! You melted away from work. The cannabis snuck it’s way into your gas tank and turned to sugar. Then you start coming up with excuses like “I’ll just do it on the weekend and ignore my family” or “Why would I leave the house and make someone else rich? I’ll be my own boss and make money my way!”
Before you know it you’re complaining on Twitter about some video game you’ve been playing for 4 hours straight.
In these crazy COVID times it’s not unusual to work at home for most people. That can be a huge positive, however; even though your work laptop is at home so is your bong. There’s no one to stop you from a having a little session at lunch time (unless your spouse is a complete square). So how can you stay motivated when you have important work to do?
5.) PLAY VIDEO GAMES
Anyone who works a regular job is an idiot. There is a young man named Ninja. He makes millions of dollars because we’ve monetized irresponsibility. Why should you work on a spreadsheet when mindless drones are inflating his bank account every minute? He plays video games and people watch him do it- on purpose! He’s raking in millions while you’re raking in a handful of edibles after your shift at the shit factory.
Imagine how productive you’d feel if you had a passive income. You can watch cartoons and get lit while a video of you chasing another stupid fox in Ghost of Tsushima gets a millions of views.
YouTube channels are super easy to create and getting an audience is even easier. Make a video passionately hating The Last of Us Part 2.
Release another video praising The Last of Us Part 2 like it is a masterpiece.
By the time you are called a hypocrite phony baloney the YouTube cheque will be in the mail. Easy peazy lemon squeezy.
An easy career doesn’t require a ton of motivation it just requires you to tap into the right market niche. The perfect niche for stoners (who are too lazy to take up a trade or find a real job) is creating mindless content off the hard work of game developers and programmers then calling it “original content”. You’ll be printing money in no time.
The devil’s lettuce is our friend and helps us see clearly. Playing three hours straight of Fall Guys is not being lazy it’s research!
4.) HAVE BREAKFAST FOR DINNER
Why do you want pancakes? It’s ten o’clock at night and all you can think about is downing a dirty stack at IHOP. Starting the morning with a good breakfast is a formula for a great day. Who says your day has to start in the a.m. ? Maybe your time is not in sync with everyone else’s because you’re a genius.
There’s nothing like cracking a few eggs, frying some bacon, some hash-browns, and a cup of deep dark coffee. The cheeva makes you hungry because you need energy. Once you fill your mouth with an extreme amount of protein and grease it’s time to sit down in one spot for hours in front of your computer. I’m just assuming whatever was so important is on your computer.
Working on an empty stomach can cause your ambitions to plummet. Stuff your face full of eggs and pancakes because it’s the most important meal of the day.
3.) GET DRUNK
What better way to enjoy the devil’s lettuce than with the devil’s elixer? Please forgive the blunt headline it’s for SEO you see. Having a large glass of room temperature red wine with your breakfast buffet is a great way to bring the evening and morning together. An equilibrium of daily pleasures to get your attention laser focused.
Another unfortunate side effect of cannabis is the flood of negative thoughts that can cloud your judgement. In the biz we like to call that “paranoia”. That’s why I have a VPN activated even when I’m looking up a recipe for shepherds pie.
Crushing two tall cans of Bud can give your negative thoughts two middle fingers and a Stone Cold stunner so you can tackle whatever task lies ahead and that’s the bottom line- cause Cap’n Vape said so!
2.) TAKE A NAP
“Do not argue with the body. It’s an argument you can’t win.” -Cosmo Kramer
Perhaps the reason you don’t want to go outside for a jog or check your email because you “work” from home is that you can’t. A greasy breakfast full of calories can change your batteries but a nice power nap can charge them.
Studies show that napping at work can increase productivity. I know this, you know this, your boss knows this but no one outside of Japan does it. You know who probably does it? Those man-bun hipsters at Google or Facebook but don’t fall for that.
Tell me if this sounds familiar. You’re laying on your couch all by yourself. You’re watching some in depth documentary on Netflix and you’ve burnt 0 calories in three hours. All of a sudden there is a sting at the back of your head. It’s this tiny voice telling you that you shouldn’t be sitting and watching TV when you can be doing something productive. You start thinking of all those great entrepreneurs who made millions of dollars and answer to no one. The voice tells you it’s because they work hard and here you are lying like a bag of garbage on the couch.
There’s a little argument going on in your brain. One part is arguing that you are lazy and you should get up to complete this task or that task. The other part of your brain argues that there’s more to life than work. You should stay on the couch because last you checked, you do what you want. You do you as the kids say. Ever notice whenever someone says “you do you” it’s because they hate what you just said? For example “In the afternoon I like to dumpster dive Tim Hortons for day old donuts and whip them at cars on the highway. Yikes! You do you. No one says “you do you” if you tell them you’ve graduated college. Anyway where was I? Oh yeah. A third part of your brain tells you to masturbate.
Being aware of this inner dialogue allows you to be the referee of this argument. Blow the whistle and stop the play. It’s time to go to commercial and take a TV time out. That’s all a nap is. It quiets your mind and lets it reboot. Hopefully you don’t have a nightmare of a masturbating tiger wearing a crown. That’s assuming the documentary you fell asleep watching was The Tiger King.
Stop what? You know what.
We live in incredible times! Honestly I never thought I would live to see the day marijuana would be legalized. It’s a reality now and believe me I couldn’t be happier but it’s ok to stop. The real question you should ask yourself is, can you?
Marijuana has got a big ego. We call it a miracle drug that is medicinal and that it’s completely harmless. That’s simply not true. We all know that person who’s entire existence is weed. They talk about it, they smoke it, they buy stuff for it, they grow it, they sell it, they read about it, they watch movies about it, they read magazines about it etc. There’s nothing wrong with that stuff but sometimes culture and addiction can become a blurred line.
Marijuana can have that tricky effect of having indirect side effects. Like getting so wasted that the last thing you want to do is go to the store and buy actual food. So you get Uber Eats to deliver four McGriddles with a large fry and a bucket of cola. Big deal you’ll go later. But what if you don’t because you keep smoking and get stuck in a cycle?
Lets say you hate your job at the shit factory. As soon as you get home you hit the joint, vape or bong and sink into the couch. You hate your shit job at the shit factory. It’s all you can think about and it causes you anxiety. The weed makes it better- it doesn’t fix it but it makes it feel better. You think going back to school or starting a YouTube channel so you can leave this shit behind but the factory is still there everyday and so is your bong. You really want to take a mature student test and go back to college or get that web cam but your soooo comfortable watching that bitch Carol Baskins make a fool of herself.
These are just stupid examples but they are all real red flags. If you ever feel like you are spinning your wheels and you feel like your life is stuck- be honest with yourself. Can you put in the work to improve your life or get out of a funk or is the marijuana holding you back? Don’t get me wrong lots of successful people work hard and get a little buzz on. Is that what you’re doing? Are you working hard or are you high and thinking of working hard?
The number one way to regain your motivation while high is to stop being high and then stop getting high.