This is a personal story of how vaping cannabis helped dig myself out of a deep dark hole of anxiety and depression.
This blog is not meant to advocate that marijuana is a silver bullet that can cure everything that ails you. But I believe it can help and I believe it’s a positive
I don’t know how to roll a joint. Ok that’s not exactly true. I don’t know how to roll a joint quickly and efficiently. It always takes me too long and I make a mess. Sorry not sorry- I preferred alcohol and I had pot head friends who always rolled us joints. If they weren’t around I’d drill a hole through an apple and use it as an organic pipe. Did I eat it after? What do you think?
Everything changed on a New Year’s Day at around 4am. I was alone, drunk and chain smoking. I had this dark cloud looming over me for quite awhile and on that morning I couldn’t do it anymore. I knew to get out of this hole I’d have to change something. So I grabbed every liquor bottle and every can of beer and poured it down the sink. I crushed my pack of smokes in my hand so all the cigarettes broke and threw them out. I was done.
The next day I was sober and smoke free. I was sober the day after that and the day after that. I felt good but I was going through some withdrawals. Not serious ones but enough that I got tempted to drive to a gas station and buy some smokes then go grab a six pack. But I was doing so well. The problem was that dark cloud was still there.
I decided to try marijuana. I was no stranger to it but I always smoked with my friends. I’ve never smoked alone. What would I turn into? Will I become the next Hunter S. Thompson? Will I write gonzo blogs for the mass of cannibalistic lizard people?
I’m not good at rolling joints and I didn’t want to stink up my apartment with marijuana smoke anyway. I’m not against edibles but I don’t want to be high for eight hours. I think you know where this is going- I got a vaporizer!! I obtained some legal guvment weed and started to vape away once I purchased everything I needed.
Depressed thoughts: You don’t have a wife or kids!
Reality says: You don’t have a wife or kids! I thought I was a loser and people were starting to talk. Family and friends always asking, “so…are you an incel now what’s wrong with you?” Ok maybe not. That’s what my depressed brain would tell me. Having no one after years of having someone is a deep dark hole that seems to get deeper the more lonely nights pass. I’d wake up and stay in bed for hours because, what was the point? Once the darkness takes hold it takes a lot out of you. It’s not that I don’t know what I should do it’s the energy that is missing. My motivation is gone. What’s the point? It was a dangerous phrase that kept repeating in my head and I knew I had to make changes.
One night I vaped just a little bit of marijuana. My tolerance isn’t that high because I don’t do it everyday so it doesn’t take much for me to get the buzz. But something strange happened this time. It was a sativa strain so for some reason I got the urge to clean my place top to bottom. My blood was flowing and I was feeling active. I started thinking existentially about my life but not in the usual negative sense. If I had been stuck in a lousy relationship and had kids that would dominate my life. I’d yearn for the good old days when I had a place to myself and my own freedom to what I wanted with my life. My own opportunity to create my own opportunities. Wake up! You are free! You are not a loser and you are not stuck. In fact you are one of the luckiest people you know. Think about how blessed you are. Think about how free you are.
I wasn’t so preoccupied with what I didn’t have but grateful for what I did have. I was grateful for the freedom I made for myself.
I had the whole world ahead of me and I was in full control of my life. The marijuana made me feel very lucky like I just realized I won the lottery. I could of been married with children with the wrong person. I’ve survived an abusive relationship. When you’re a male in an abusive relationship with a woman there’s not a ton of support. Just ask Johnny Depp. That felt like true loneliness compared to living by myself with no one. Not so long ago I fought to get out of that situation. It was painful. I knew it would be but I endured it to give myself the opportunity to be happy. Marijuana reminded me of that. Alcohol told me something similar but it made me punch out a window and cut up my hand.
Let go of the past. Let go of the fear of loneliness. And wouldn’t you know it? Three weeks after that epiphany on a New Years day I met someone who is absolutely wonderful. I am so grateful that I lost that dark cloud and didn’t bring it into this new relationship. My past gave me a suit of armor to protect myself from exterior threats to my happiness.
I let go of my fear and sadness like they were balloons filled with helium. Once they floated away until I could barely see them anymore and something very positive happened to me. Feeling happy brought positive energy into my life and it was cyclical. Now I sound like one of those lunatics who try to sell you crystals to improve your mood. Positive thinking attracted positivity in my life its that simple. Vaping a little marijuana didn’t do that it just let me step back and look at my life at a different angle.
Again, I want to reiterate that this is not a cure for depression or heart ache. I’m just advocating that marijuana can change your line of thinking and it is possible it can guide you out of a depression. Yes many drugs can do that but alcohol just made my pain come to the forefront. That pain can make someone unreasonable. When you sober up it goes away- back behind the mental boundary walls that are put there so you can function in society. All you remember is that you are in pain and nothing else. Marijuana just made me feel more positive and for me personally, the kick in the butt I needed. Results may vary.
More depressed thoughts: You’re stuck in a dead end job
Who are you kidding? You’re going to work your dead end job until you’re dead.
It wasn’t until I started vaping and alone with my own thoughts that I could finally see the truth without that cloud of…you have a good job. Marijuana helped me think of it this way: Your job is not good for you. It’s ok to say that. It’s affecting you physically and mentally. You are not stuck. You can do more and you can make more. If you had a family it would be more difficult to take on such a risk but you don’t. So go do something worth while. A lot of people are sucked into this lie that there’s nothing better out there and you should be thankful for having a job. There is better out there. There is a big beautiful world out there and there’s a ton of money in it. They are grateful for you and they are in competition for your services. They are the ones who should be filled with anxiety.
Now I believed I could get out. I started thinking positively about my future for the first time in a long time. I do have a good job but it’s ok to say that it’s not ok for me.
Financial freedom was not a dream it was a goal. My life was in the hands of an institution that didn’t care about my well being. It didn’t care about my health. Why should it? It had every right to use me as a tool because that’s what I signed up for. The politics of the job get out of hand but shouldn’t I be blaming myself for putting myself in that position? No more finger pointing. If you want to get out- get out! Don’t let them guilt you into sacrificing your mental health for their benefit!
Easy for you to say marijuana but how do I get out?
I knew you’d say that.
This is what I suspect is the source of my depression. My work schedule rotates. I either work very early mornings at 5am or I work late nights until 12:30am. Sometimes I have 24 hours to flip my sleep schedule. It’s not easy. It’s not uncommon for us to go to work on little to zero sleep. One day people will realize how unhealthy this is and do something about it but that’s not happening today.
So I suffer from insomnia. I lay in bed knowing I’ll be screwed the next day. No one cares.
But now I have marijuana and my vaporizer. I never go to work on zero sleep anymore. But maintaining a good sleep schedule is still the best way to prevent insomnia. I still struggle with it but with the help of marijuana I can achieve some sleep instead of zero. It’s not a cure but it helps.
How Can Vaping Marijuana Help You?
Know your strain. I tried a bunch of strains and settled on one that works for me. Since legalization there is a ton of information available to help you pick the best bud. “I suffer from the same thing you do what do you vape?” is what you might be thinking. I use Tangerine Dream which is a sativa bud. It slowly starts to work and has a short lived but intense buzz. It also makes me feel productive. I’d gladly clean my entire kitchen while being high as a kite and listening to some tunes. When it wears off I feel relaxed and can sink into my couch as I watch YouTube videos. Then it gives me the munchies like you wouldn’t believe.
Better than smoking?
The health effects of vaping have still yet to be determined. I’m not a doctor but what I can tell you are the advantages of vaping.
When using a vaporizer for dry flowers you are essentially heating up the oils and crystals of the bud. No lighter or papers required. You are inhaling vapor not smoke. Yes there are less chemicals than a cigarette when smoking a joint but you are still inhaling smoke and the remains of the paper. When vaping it’s only the bud and nothing else.
Economically it can save you money. When vaping you can get a heck of a lot more out of your marijuana than smoking a joint. I have experienced intense highs from such a little amount. If I used the same amount in a joint it’d be a tiny “pinner” joint that I can’t roll with my pudgy thumbs and fingers.
Maybe you’re self conscious about it or maybe you want to hide it from someone. Either way vaping does not linger. When you vape everything dissipates quickly. Your clothing and your room won’t stink like that skunky goodness we all know and love. A few eye drops and no one’s the wiser 😉 If you live in an apartment and smoke weed the whole hallway smells. In this country whenever I walk down the hallway of an apartment building I smell curry, marijuana or both. It is legal but for the sake of consideration lets not make our neighbors endure the odor of a skunk orgy.
I’m not going to be so bold and say vaping saved my life but maybe I will a few years from now.
Again I’d like to reiterate that this is my personal experience and results will vary. I’m sleeping better, I cut down my drinking a lot, I quit smoking, I’m more active and I have a new girlfriend. I’m also thinking more positively and anxiety is not getting the best of me anymore. And to think this used to be illegal.
What a great time to be alive.